Honey, I Depressed the Girl

Somewhere along the way, I learned to expect happiness to come with a catch. Even now, when life is good, I’m constantly looking over my shoulder for the next wave of sadness. I feel very suspicious of being too happy.

I wanted to take an introspective look at my happiness and the factors that contributed to it, hoping to maintain the good energy. In the process, ironically, I spiraled into sadness. I couldn’t pinpoint one singular reason for the joy. If I can’t decipher what’s making me happy, am I really happy? I ended up crying in my car.

I depressed myself trying to figure out why I wasn’t depressed. Smh.

They had me in the first half, I’ll admit. But as I write this, I realize there isn’t just one thing—there are SO many reasons to be happy. I told y’all I been working on seeing the good in the bad, and by golly, it might just be working!

Rather than letting what’s wrong drag me down, I’m choosing to find strength in all that’s right. While writing this, I feel a weight lifting off my shoulders as I take assessment of all the good happening to me, for me, and around me.

I’m listening to a lil Frank Sinatra from my East Atlanna Santa playlist with presents stacked under my Christmas tree. I’ve developed both personally and professionally this year. I have great friends. I’m living good, I’m feeling good. I am grateful. I am blessed.

I’ve made peace with not overanalyzing my joy. I don’t need to dissect why it’s happening. I deserve to embrace it—it’s okay to be happy. Feeling good doesn’t mean something bad is lurking around the corner. I am okay.

Back when I had far less, someone said, ‘Sure, you want more, but you already have what you need. Isn’t that enough?’ And they were right. It hit then, and it hits now. There’s so much good around me. Sure, things could be better and I could have more—but that will always be true. What matters is that I’m grateful for the abundance of goodness already in my life.

Instead of falling into negative habits or rekindling bonds I’ve worked to sever, I’m committed to finding healthier ways to cope. I’m choosing to keep moving forward, embracing happiness when it comes, as it always does.

As Snoop said in Smile (Living My Best Life): “You got a lot to be smilin’ for, so what the fuck you be wylin’ for?” I know that’s right.

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Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I’m preparing myself emotionally for an upcoming trip with my friends. I’ve already warned the team there will be tears of gratitude lol. I’ve always hoped to have a solid friend group to share experiences with, and now I do. It’s an overwhelming realization to see how many of the things I once prayed for are now my reality.

Living within answered prayers can feel tricky when you’re still learning to feel worthy of them. Still, the hope that one day I’ll look back and see even more dreams fulfilled keeps me moving forward, savoring every moment as it comes.

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Taking inventory of the good in my life has reminded me that happiness doesn’t need an explanation or justification—it just needs to be felt.

I’ve played The Sims all my life, and in the game, when a character fulfills an aspiration, a little tune plays, the indicator sparkles, and they’re immediately given a new goal. Real life doesn’t work that way. There’s no celebratory tune when you achieve something, no glowing reminder to pause and acknowledge your progress. But that doesn’t make our accomplishments any less valid.

It’s on us to pause, acknowledge, and celebrate every win, big or small. Without doing so, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking nothing is going right. When was the last time you stopped to notice all the good in your life? Of the things you’ve accomplished? Of the prayers you once hoped for that have now been answered?

For me, as I reflect on these questions, I realize the beauty in simply allowing joy to exist. This week, my goal is simple: relax and let be. I’m choosing to stay present, to trust that what’s meant for me will come, and to let go of what isn’t.

For now, I’m embracing joy and accepting peace. And for the first time in a long time, I’m okay with that.