Leave Me A Message

I made the connection that I probably don’t like cooking now because for the past few years before I left my mom’s house, I did all the cooking for us. Cleaning too.

I had a long time fear that I’d never be a functioning member of society, like have a real job and be an adult. Look at me now: functioning in society, with a real job and being a real adult. I’m proud of me.

I’d been reluctant to advance in my career because I found family and a constant at work when I was losing loved ones. That, and me being a slave to familiarity.

Two of my former situationships contacted me in the same week, I’m like is it retrograde or something?? People repeatedly return into your life to check if you’re still stupid and willing to allow them to waste more of your time.
I respectfully declined one, and simply stopped responding to the other. To receive what you ask for, you must release whatever doesn’t align.

I use my available energy to build and grow the love I found in my friendships, instead of begging men to treat me right.

A lot of times, I feel down about myself. But then I see the people I surround myself with and they’re cute. Birds of a feather, huh?

I think my New Year’s resolution is to shut the hell up. I talk too much.. but somehow also not enough. I’m willing to be open and honest about most things, but reluctant to talk when I’m going through anything difficult. I’m only willing to talk about it after I’ve got the situation handled. I just don't want to appear weak to others, or like I don’t have things under control.

Finding myself in situations I can’t control is overwhelming sometimes, which tends to make me dissociate.

I understand that in the next phase of my life, I’m going to have to stop self-isolating when I’m going through things. I have to allow others to help me and show up for me, which is scary. I’m used to relying on self, because who else is going to look out for me?

I tried to un-press my depression, but I was really just keeping busy. While I’m off work, I’m struggling to get out of the bed and I’ve been crying. I don’t even really know why I’m crying. I think it’s a bunch of things at once.

I’m finding it increasingly difficult to respond to people right now, I guess because my mind is preoccupied by everything going on around me.

I unpressed my depression, but it pressed me back. I thought I had decided that I no longer felt that emotion pertaining to this situation and accepted that it is whatever it will be and no amount of sulking can change that.

It’s like I’m trying to survive, until the next week… to survive again.

I’m only giving myself one day to sulk about things, then I gotta move on and figure out what’s next.

I made it to see my grandma this week even though I was crying the day before. I usually can’t visit with her if I don’t have a full cup to pour from. It’s just draining doing over there and I really have to protect my energy.

I’m in a period of transition and I’m just ready to be happy.