So F***ing Happy

I used to sometimes be jealous when good things happened to my friends. Happy for them, but I wish it was me. Now that I have my own motion. I really want my friends to win.
Which is why I had to end a friendship. I expressed that I didn’t like finding out about their big life events at the same time as instagram. Especially if it’s something that we’d talked in depth and at length about, a mutual struggle. I want you to win; I want to celebrate you and your achievements.
Their response to my plea to be involved was to have another big life event.. that I found out about on instagram.
I communicated what I needed in the friendship, and those needs were not met so I have to now terminate the friendship.

I’m a very transparent person; I want to be honest in every facet of my life. I don’t want to be tasked with keeping up with lies. Friendship is so important to me; I value it above family.
If you are my friend, everyone that knows both of us also knows that we’re friends. I claim my friends in front of anybody, so I ask for the same in return.

I had to end a different friendship because, among other things, they would downplay our closeness for other people.
If you f*** with me for real, f*** with me in front of everybody!
I later found out that person was a compulsive liar so 🤷🏽‍♀️. Their loss.

My mom tried to tell me she was pregnant, but I wasn’t listening. She was so interested that my classmate’s mother was older, she brought it up in the car. I assume then would’ve been a great time to tell me, but I’m sure I didn’t dig deeper into her interest because frankly I didn’t care.
I never understood that my mom was an actual person with her own interests and trauma.
In my eyes, she was fearless; she had everything figured out.
Looking back, I now understand why she yelled at me for trivial things. I understand that she did the best she could with the circumstance we were in. I understand that, through her mental illness, she was there for me as much as she could be.

I made the connection shortly before I started going to therapy that even thought my mom was around growing up, she wasn’t present. But now I ponder if it’s possible to be present with undiagnosed and unmediated mental illness.
When I have my waves, I can’t even get out of bed. And I’m medicated! But having a kid on top of that??! Take me to the king; I don’t have much to bring, honey!
Knowing what I know now makes me that much more grateful for what I did receive from my mommy. She was so strong for surviving day to day with a kid. I couldn’t do it. That’s why I’m not doing it. I’ll settle being the rich auntie.

It’s important, in any relationship, to be open and communicate how you feel about them and what you need from them. Even if it’s that you want to see them more often, or you think they’re a cool person, or you’re proud of them. “I won’t know how you feel ’til you tell me..”, like Migos said.

At this juncture in my life, I’m very happy. Starting a new job and losing an off day threw off my routine though and I’m clamoring to find a new normal, trying to figure out how to balance excelling at work, nurturing my relationships, handle my personal business, get rest..

I’m so grateful for the people that believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. People that spoke my name out when my voice wasn’t loud enough, or when I didn’t have a voice. People that spoke strength into me when I felt my lowest. People that watched me grow from “maybe me” to “who better than me?”… thank you.

I’m so happy sitting in this phase of life: Proud of how far I’ve come, contemplating things I’ve been through and things that had to happen to put me in this moment.
At the same time, excited to go further and accomplish even more. Become even more proud of myself. Grow past anything I thought possible.

Community has always been so important to me—to feel like I belong, to be well liked. Both personally and professionally, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this seen and supported in my life.

I’m really just so fucking happy right now. Once I fine tune process and iron out the fine details, who gon check me, boo?!