Changes (ft. Taylor)

I’m doing one of the biggest things I can accomplish, but while the feat brings me happiness and excitement, it’s also a cause for anxiety and depression.
I’ll be forced to deal with myself and my own thoughts. I have to confront my self doubt and trepidation. I have to trust myself and divine timing, as I claim I do.
I can’t be happy for myself without simultaneously feeling sad, welcoming new beginnings while mourning old memories. Optimism, yet fear for the future.

These past few weeks, I must admit that while tackling these new beginnings, I’ve been struggling mentally.
I’ve allowed circumstance to cloud my self esteem, internalizing perceived failure as an indicator of my worth, or lack thereof.
I find myself unable to receive praises from others, often believing I’m not good enough, or will never be good enough.
I’ve settled into comfortability and routine, becoming stagnant, feeling stuck and underestimating my value.

I want to reach a point where things happening in my life do not affect my vision of self.
I want to see in myself the good qualities that others see in me.
I want to stop allowing setbacks to mar my zeal for life.
I want to stop allowing my fear of failure to halt my progress before I even start.

How do you change your mindset when it’s all you know? I realize that while I’ve done tremendous work unpacking my past and preparing for my future, I still have a long way to go.

My priority now is focusing on self and growth, however ugly it may get. I understand that healing is not linear, but I want to be consistent and make shit happen. I want to get to the brightness at the end of this dark tunnel.