Falling Apart, But Not Really
I’ve been going back and forth between healed and insane every day. The election, waiting for a text that never came, constantly thinking about all the ways I’m uncomfortable in my body. Feelings of despair and hopelessness, craving intimacy and closeness. I’m struggling a little right now.
Lately, I’ve been finding myself in a more negative headspace. I’ve also been distancing myself from people who think I shouldn’t explore or sit with my sadness. Sometimes, this is just how things are—I just ride my waves as they come.
A big part of my week has been reminding myself that people do what you allow. They aren’t doing these things because you’re on “that level” or you’re special—it’s just because you allow it. So we gotta cut out all the shit.
You let a mf slide, they start skating.
It’s shitty when you realize you’re not as important to someone as you thought. It’s also shitty to negate my importance and value in others’ lives just because one person fails to recognize it. I guess I can look on the bright side—I got the answers I needed without having a tough conversation.
I feel hopeless at times, but I remind myself of the moments of joy woven throughout my life. How can everything be bad when, just last week, I was noticing all the ways love exists in my word? Life has its ebbs and flows.
I find comfort in knowing that everything will be okay—that it’ll turn out even better than I can imagine, because it already has before. It’s just difficult maintaining the strength along the way. But I sustain myself with the faith that things will always get better.
I think it’s important to find ways to cope when I feel like this—something that acknowledges and lets me explore these emotions without falling into habits like lying around, binge eating, impulsive spending, or excessive sleeping (my favorite pastimes).
I’m setting the expectation for myself that, especially when I feel like this, I’ll make a point to notice all the good things in my life—the little ways I can find joy in my day. I’ll acknowledge and explore my sadness, but I will not let it define me or my day.
I want to go a step further: I don’t want to attempt to create joy in these moments by pacifying the situation. I usually do that through those familiar (and not-so-helpful) habits. Instead, I want to take note of all the good things that organically exist around me from day to day without my interference.
It’s crucial for me to focus on the positives, so I don’t lose myself in this shitty world with shitty people. There’s goodness everywhere, and I’m on a mission to surround myself with it. Focusing on the positives is for things I can’t control and managing my emotions though. Shitty people and situations got to get gone. I’m no longer forcing myself to accept connections that don’t serve me. Purr.
