In the Time Between
While I wonder what could’ve filled that space instead of silence between us, I’m actually grateful that my mom and I had a lull in our relationship before she passed. Had we had the same relationship we had when I was younger, I probably would’ve been a basket case.
You don’t understand; I grew up extremely shy. I would stick on my mom like glue anywhere that we went, never with the other kids. She knew the things I liked, and did the best that she could for me. Then we became like girlfriends as I got older. I felt like I could tell my mom anything, talk to my mom about anything. I’d use her as my moral compass. I felt so much unconditional love from her.
Maybe it was when I moved with my dad, but our relationship changed. I guess it was because the majority of our interactions required my service.
It was also because she was living with my grandparents and I could just feel her defeat, probable embarrassment. Also, of course the vibes is different between mommy’s house and grandparents’ house; I didn’t want to be over there as much. Visiting my mom had become a chore.
I had been flourishing, and it came time that I felt that she would purposely try to ruin my day. Then we stopped speaking. I still kept up with my sister, taking her out on adventures.
We finally had a conversation whose synopsis was she wanted to be included in my life like she had been in the past. It had hurt her feelings that we drifted apart, as it hurt mine. I heard her then, but I really understand her now.
Again, I did not look at my mom as a real person. I was selfish. I did not consider her feelings. And instead of calling to talk to my mom and update her about what’s going on in my life, I called out of obligation. When I called, I was almost always met with bad news. Bad news that I didn’t want to hear because it interfered with the life that I wanted for myself. I recognized that negativity is not conducive to a positive life, so I started calling less and drifting away.
I’m mature enough to admit that it was my decision that caused the friction, but I hadn’t considered her side: virtually isolated and your child (whom you’ve formed a bestieship with) is moving on and doing big things but is calling less and less because of this situation you have no control over.
I look back at that time with sadness. How many more memories could I have had of my mom? How many more pictures I’d have capturing our memories? What was going on in her life in that time that we didn’t talk? How was she as a person, outside of being my mother?
It’s so much easier now to step outside myself and look at her point of view. I hope as I get older I’ll have an even greater understanding of her journey. But I gotta tell you that time was so peaceful; I no longer had that weight of obligation. It was selfish but it was necessary.
Necessary also because I really don’t think I could’ve made it if we were as close as we had been. I did have the fleeting thought that I had nothing to live for, but I quickly shook it before it took root in my mind. My mother and I having the relationship we had earlier in my life at the time she passed would have killed me. I had time to kind of detach, thankfully. There was no way, in that headspace and interdependency of my mother, that I would’ve been able to handle her absence.
Even more than the peacefulness though, I’m grateful that we mended our relationship before she passed. And I’m so grateful that I was able to unload my thoughts to my therapist before she passed, so I could purge my mind of negative feelings and be open to receiving understanding, learning my mom as a person.
I mourn my mom’s absence. I mourn the end of our extremely close relationship and I mourn the time that we spend apart. I mourn experiencing the rest of my life without my best friend.
I miss my mommy.
In my contacts, I put an emoji by people’s names that I talk to often. Mommy’s is a crown, because she is my queen. Regardless of what was going on between us, that emoji never changed.
