Thirty… Won?

I turned 31 on May 20th and let me tell you, this is one of the most mind-altering birthdays I’ve had. Turning 30 was cool because I was stepping in my grown woman era, but I had one foot in my “I’m just a girl” bag. Now that I’m getting deeper into my thirties, shit getting real serious now.
Not that things are not going well, I’m living a life that I’ve always dreamed of living. I have amazing people in my life that don’t miss the opportunity to speak life into me and make me feel special. My home is a peaceful curation of things that make me happy. I’ve had some unforgettable experiences and I’m geared up to have even more.

But, I think with any reflection on the past and the things we’ve accomplished, comes a sense of nostalgia and yearning for what was. In the middle of enjoying my now, I have a “damn, I’ll never be in my twenties again” thought.

Or I’ll think about how I’m just going to keep getting older.
I think about the things I wish I had already accomplished.
I think about the time that has passed.
I think about the people that got lost in the journey.

It also gives me a false sense of urgency, thinking that I must be on go all the time so I don’t look back in my forties regretting the things I didn’t do now. Yeah, you need to get up and get shit done and live life, but you also need rest.

Equipped with my new understanding that everyone is living their own life just as I am and not just NPCs in my life, at 30 I really placed emphasis on my interpersonal relationships. Less leaving things unsaid because that person already knows I love and care for them, more telling people I enjoy their company and I appreciate our friendship.

I think 31 will be all about my intrapersonal relationship with self. Figuring out who I am at this stage in life, understanding what I will and will not tolerate, find out the things that I like and bring me joy. I also think I am now in a space to mold myself into the person I want to be through ungentle parenting.

I was on a morning walk (something I’m trying to mold myself into doing) through my neighborhood and after seeing so many nice things and picturesque sceneries, I doubted that I belonged. Like maybe I wasn’t good enough for this. Where I live, where I work.. was a fluke?

Then my ungentle parent came out in my head: “If you didn’t belong or weren’t good enough, you wouldn’t be here. In every arena. So stop that. And I’m tired of hearing it.”

I was like damn okay, momma.

And really hope it worked ‘cause I’m tired of saying the same thing over and over (I sound like my parents lol).

But yeah chile, I’m just trying to live my life as it comes, arrange the cards I’m dealt, and have a great time.

xoxo (I’m in my Gossip Girl bag lol)