The Very Hungry Caterpillar

I’d been thinking recently that while younger me said “I’ll worry about it later”, now is the “later”. After my mommy passed, it made me take a look at my life and ponder my own mortality. Life doesn’t go forever. Life is not a dress rehearsal; we don’t get another chance. So in this finite amount of time I have, shouldn’t I take care of myself and live the best life I possibly can? So I started taking steps toward taking care of my body and my health.

I’ve cut out sugar, bread, pasta, rice, a.k.a everything I love. Tay is a good southern bell, okay! I love a good biscuit! I love grits. But it’s time to cut out the shit. And while I’ve had a few deviations, I’ve adhered to my commitment and I’ve dramatically cut down. The realization that I’d have to break up with my love for a good piece of cake, a pie, a pastry… actually sent me into panic mode. It was my crutch and a source of comfort.

Now, I am being conscious of the things I eat and the way they make my body feel. I go to sleep earlier because I’m not up doing any late night snacking. My dessert for the day is honey roasted almonds, not a warm brownie topped with a scoop of French vanilla ice cream. Making better choices when we do indulge, like maybe we can just get the sandwich and not the fries and sweet tea and the cookie to go with it.

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I took inventory of my relationships recently and I thought: I spent the past few years sticking to my practice of letting go of all negative relationships. I think my lesson in this chapter of my life is to realize that all love in relationships is not good love. Just because a relationship is not negative, doesn’t mean it’s positive.

There are people that I love and talk to often or not, we pour into each other and keep in touch. Then there are those relationships that found love for me only after hurting me and losing my love. The love that stifles, not the kind that empowers you to grow. Stagnant and stuffy love. The people that are stuck loving the old me without acknowledgment of the work I’ve done to become the person I am now.

Those people have to go next. Some people just don’t deserve access to me. They don’t deserve a chance to make it right. All they deserve is to love me from afar. I have to open the window of my soul and let the dust out; that’s the only way to get fresh air in.

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I wish I wasn't so "with the wind". If I'm around people that want to work and succeed, I want to succeed. If they want to relax and coast, I coast and I don't like that. I want to go hard no matter who is around me. And I feel like that's what will hold me back from my success: being able to lock in all the time. Not just when we’re in crunch time, but all the time.

In writing this though, I think I’m being a little too hard on myself. Sometimes we just need rest; a pause from the grind. I had to grind to get here; I want to enjoy the fruits. I don’t want to be so locked in on the future that I can't see the blessing in the present. I don’t want to work my way through life without stopping to acknowledge what I’ve accomplished.

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I get shit done. So why am I afraid of failing? I remember when I had anxiety about not hitting my goals every month at work, even though I had exceeded them in the months prior and would go on to exceed them in the months following.

I communicated these doubts to my manager at the time, P.Wade the Legend (shoutout to her) and she gave me the best advice on silencing those self doubts. You simply gotta say “I’m Taylor f****** (last name)!” Like, you can do anything. I think the real locking in I need to do is to follow P.Wade’s advice and lock into the confidence that I can do whatever I want and overcome any adversity.

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I think I liked this journal entry format a lot: to not be stuck to one topic, but instead allow my thoughts to flow as they come and go. The title too: the proverbial “very hungry caterpillar”, in the sense that I am actually hungry because I cut out my favorite foods. But also in the sense of the hunger for more, more money, more success, more peace, more love, more joy… and the caterpillar in the book emerging as a butterfly, just as I’m changing and growing.