Starting with the Gworl in the Mirror
I’m convinced therapy doesn’t work for some people because they aren’t honest with themselves—or their therapist. I caught myself doing that the other day. I updated my therapist on everything going well and all the progress I’ve made, conveniently skipping over my struggles. But as the new year approaches, I realized I needed to stop avoiding the hard truths. Thankfully, my therapist graciously fit me in for an urgent session.
We started by addressing the glaring gap between the despair I’d written about in my blog and the growth I’d presented in our last session. Tears ensued.
It came down to this: I’m not as confident as I appear. I project confidence in my interactions with others, but it disappears the moment I’m in front of a mirror. As I dug deeper, I landed on the root cause—never feeling like I measured up to my grandma’s expectations, which manifested itself into not feeling worthy. My wins were never celebrated. Instead, it was always about what I hadn’t done yet or how I fell short compared to others.
With my therapist’s help, I came to terms with the reality that I may never hear my grandma say she’s proud of me—and that’s okay. The real work is letting go of my need to please someone who cannot be pleased.
It’s not just my grandmother’s standards that have shaped me. Another moment that deeply impacted my self-perception came from my mother calling me an energy vampire. That one comment shaped so much of my life—I started believing people didn’t want to be around me. Who wants to be around someone who drains their energy, right?
As a result, it was hard for me to believe people when they tell me I bring light or have good energy. Those words feel foreign after I spent so much time internalizing the idea that I was an energy drainer—the identity my mother placed on me. I realized that I’ve been carrying labels and beliefs for years that were never really mine to begin with.
I am good enough, whether anyone says it or not. As long as my inner child is happy (and is), I’m succeeding. At my big age, I’m learning this: I’m only unworthy the moment I believe I am unworthy. The doubt creeps in sometimes, but deep down, I know I deserve good things. I know I’ll get them too.
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I recently came across the idea that the cheat code to life is having endless things to look forward to, and I agree. Lately, I’ve been feeling down, and it hit me that my depression seemed to creep in right after all my planned events wrapped up. Once I scheduled a few more outings, the skies cleared, and life was worth living again.
I’d been questioning whether the humdrum monotony of daily life was worth those fleeting moments of joy, but now I realize the life hack is to just keep creating more joyful moments to look forward to.
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One day soon, I want a life where I take off work the week before Christmas and don’t go back until the week after New Year’s. That schedule would align perfectly with my mental rhythm because the time between Christmas and New Year’s feels like a void anyway—a time that doesn’t really exist.
It’s my chance to end the year strong, savoring the satisfaction of my growth and accomplishments, while also ending it gently, soaking in those last few moments of freedom before activating Taylor 2.5 on January 1.
I’ve always prided myself on being unapologetically me, no matter what. But lately, I’ve realized that “being myself” might actually be me settling. I’ve leaned into the whole “this is who I am, take it or leave it” mindset—partially out of fear. Fear of growth, fear of change, fear of leaving my comfort zone because becoming someone new means putting in the work. I think part of me might even be afraid of success.
Sometimes, I catch myself feeling sad about being me—existing as I am in my current form. But then it hits me: some things are as simple as this—if you don’t like it, change it.
So that’s exactly what I’m doing in 2025. I’m no longer just who I’ve been—I’m stepping into a new version of myself, complete with productive and healthy habits. I’ll shed the labels placed on me by others and instead step into the person I’ve decided to be, drenched in love and self-care. I’ve upgraded, and you hoes better catch up!
