Elevated Epiphanies: Part Two, on Your Inner Child

A large number of my insecurities stem from childhood.

For example, I have so much anxiety around singing out loud because my mother constantly told me I couldn’t sing.

And with anything else, really. It was basically if you’re not naturally good at it, that’s not for you.

To the best of my memory, she’d tell me I couldn’t sing just about every time I’d try. Instead of nurturing that interest, she shut it down. This birthed an anxiety of singing in front of others and also instilled a character flaw of mine:

My expectation for perfection paralyzes me.

I don’t try things for fear of not being perfect the first time and I quit if I’m not immediately proficient. Or, better yet, quit before you’ve even tried it. Don’t even try.

I’m trying to unlearn that now by pushing myself to try things for the first time and stick with it. Progression is in consistency.

I have to be my own parent now.

Growing up, my mom and I had a very laissez faire dynamic, particularly in my teenage years. My mom left it to me to decide what I wanted to do, and never really pushed me to do anything.

While I appreciate the freedom, I wish my mother pushed me more to explore areas outside of academics; I think I’d be a more well rounded individual. In anything I showed interest in, she’d only get involved if I involved her.

Now, I have to be that parent to myself. Nobody is going to tell me to get up and go to work, to exercise, to eat healthy.. the list goes on.

Nobody, but me.

Whew chile, not me coming for Ms. Rooks today.

I never want anyone to think that I don’t love my mom or that she was a bad parent, but analyzing my relationship with my parents is work that must be done to unlearn unhealthy habits to unfold and craft brighter future.

I was ashamed of my mom.

My mom didn’t work, which gave me anxiety surrounding questions regarding my parents’ occupations. I’d try to put a spin on being unemployed by saying she was a homemaker. I didn’t want anyone to think I was less than because my mom was unemployed. I was ashamed of that. This is the first time I’ve put a label on that emotion. I didn’t want anyone to think I was less than

I didn’t want to feel less than because I knew I was.

I spend money to appease my inner child.

I literally throw money at the issue. Sad? Let’s buy something. Anxious? Let’s buy something. Angry? Let’s buy something.

Not too many ways to say it, but I grew up kind of poor. Certain things I’d never even thought to ask my mom because I knew what the answer would be.

Now I’m doing things I couldn’t do then because we couldn’t afford it

Simply put: I never want to feel limited because of a price tag. I live luxe now because I can, and I couldn’t when I was younger.

I pretended to not care, but I did.

I’m healing my inner child and making her proud.

My 20s were about doing the things I couldn’t do in my youth, appeasing my inner child.

My 30s are about accomplishing my childhood dreams now that I’m older, wiser, and with gratefulness that my life experiences have molded the person I am; I like this person.

Now that I’m a person I love and admire, it’s time to accomplish little Tay-Tay’s goals.