I Would Like to Opt Out Please

I’ve been an over-thinker for as long as I can remember, but in my quest to become a supreme, self-confident, and self-aware being, I’m starting to understand how my overthinking negatively affects my life in so many ways. I’m tired and it’s not fun. Cut the cameras, dead ass. See also.

I assume it’s not something you can really get someone to understand unless they deal with it. And while I’m not sure if my overthinking is getting worse, or if I’m just more aware of it, it’s tiring. I do not want to think all the time and obsess about every little detail.

I end up obsessing over the most asinine things: maybe I’m really a terrible person. What if every friend I’ve ever had secretly hates me? I’ve convinced myself that those closest to me only tolerate me and don’t really like me. I’m hypersensitive about how I’m being perceived by others, taking the slightest change as an indicator that things are going downhill. I’ve even started to question if I actually enjoy the things I enjoy. It’s insane.

I’m teetering between needing medication and thinking it’s something I can work on myself, but I cannot continue to think about every little thing and how every scenario plays out, and how every person I encounter feels about me. It’s unhealthy and if I haven’t said it enough, it’s extremely exhausting.

While in Denver, I got a lot of compliments, and it made me feel uncomfortable. I’d put it in my mind that these people were being sarcastic. But why? Why can’t I just be a fly girl?

I think a large part of it may be self confidence and realizing that I’m deserving of good things, and while I’m working on both, I know that I’m nowhere near where I want to be.

Maybe the way out is to work on getting out of my comfort zone. Step one, I’ve been working on showing more skin. Any given day, I’m wearing a tshirt and leggings. Then I realized life is too short to be covered up waiting to blossom. Blossom now.

I’m also trying to take better care of myself, and not allow my depression to get in the way of that.

I am doing better at giving myself grace though, understanding that I’m living life in phases and although I’ll never be a “perfect” person, trying to make changes to bring me closer to being the person I want to be is good enough. I’m proud of that.

I’m moving forward, and honestly what else can I ask of myself?