The Millennial Table
I’m a person that only likes to involve other people in my mess once I’ve got it all figured out. I share my journey in self awareness, dealing with grief, and personal growth because I’m making progress. I’m doing my best, okay?
Those parts of my life are thriving because I’ve committed to delving deep into self-reflection and unpacking my emotions. I’ve worked hard to be a better friend, improve myself, and excel in my career. However, period, dot, dot, I’ve neglected the part of my life that deals with romantic relationships.
Initially, I didn’t want to share this, but being real sometimes means exposing the parts of ourselves we’d rather keep hidden. Living authentically means embracing both the good and the bad, taking them in stride, and allowing those experiences to help us grow. But back to my story…
I am also a person that favors guarantees instead of risk. I do not want to devote the time to develop something that might fall apart, only to have to start over again. I’d rather divest that attention into self-development, career growth, and building meaningful relationships—areas that always offer a return on investment.
And that’s how I’ve always been—until I went to my friends’ bridal shower. It was such a lovely event (shoutout to the Bowmans!). What really stood out, though, was the beautiful display of love, support, and affection. Sitting at “the Millennial table,” having a great time celebrating Gabby and Tenara’s love with my friends, I realized that I want that for myself. I think I’m finally ready for more—ready to be in love.
I’ve done a lot of work, as I may have mentioned a few times before lol, and I’m in a space where I don’t need anyone, but I’d love to have someone that adds to my life. It’s a foreign feeling because I think I’ve spent a large part of my life actively avoiding commitment.
I’ve been forced to look at my own relationship with affection and intimacy, realizing that I must make change if I want to see change. I haven’t been touchy-feely, but I want to be. So where to start? How to start?
While I’ve worked so hard to quiet overthinking in other areas of my life, it runs rampant in my love life, preventing deeper connections. I’ve forced myself to feel comfortable with men that don’t regulate my nervous system. I’m done with that.
My mom once told me she admired how, if I want something, I’ll work and go get it. I used to wear that with pride, seeing it as acknowledgment of my determination. But now, as I’ve grown, I recognize that it might actually be a trauma response. I go get what I want out of necessity rather than pure drive, feeling like, “If not me, then who?” If I don’t make it happen, who else will?
With that being said, I have a big mental block against depending on anyone, for anything. But that’s what a relationship is. I know there’s work to be done. My concern is whether I am willing to put in the necessary effort to grow a healthy, supportive relationship. I had previously expressed that I could not invest the attention to building a relationship, but after a conversation with my therapist, I concluded that I absolutely can pursue a relationship. I can do whatever I want. I simply didn’t want to focus on a relationship, preferring to place that energy into myself, my friendships, and my career.
But how can I have a formidable relationship without devoting the time? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z.
