Them… Before Me
October brought a new set of challenges. Coming up on the anniversary of my mom’s death marks the beginning of mourning my grandpa and then my dad. My spirit has been yearning for my mom. All the wisdom she never got to bestow on me, all the questions I never got to ask. Then she started showing me in so many ways that she’s with me everywhere. —
I had begun preparing the video for this blog and I came across a voice recording I made asking my dad about his life. I’d only started voice recording him after my mom passed; it urged me to preserve more memories of my dad outside of just being my dad. In the midst of a quasi-interview, my dad being very open and vulnerable, dropped some nuggets that I used in the video.
While I had mom on my mind for obvious reasons, replaying dad’s voice to get the timing right for my video brought up feelings that I’ve worked to bury.
I almost feel a sense of guilt. I squandered so much valuable time viewing my parents through the scope of my lens, as Taylor’s parents. I regret not making the effort to understand them as individuals, and who they were before I existed.
My parents’ life was just being my parent in my eyes; their life is me. It was selfish really. In reality, they lived their own complex life. They had their own wishes and hopes that didn’t involve me. They had their own fears and insecurities. Everything was not all about Taylor. They were out here just trying to figure shit out just like I’m trying to figure it out. I hate that it took my mother dying for me to understand that. Now that I recognize the urgency, I no longer have the opportunity to get to know them further. I really regret not taking that opportunity.
When things happen now, I wonder what my parents would say. If I had taken the time to understand them when I had the chance, maybe I’d have those answers. I’m sure their anecdotes hold lessons relevant to my life today, but I wasn’t listening.
Now, I find myself exploring life, wondering what mistakes I could’ve avoided if I had listened. What advice would they have given me for navigating my thirties? Then I start to question if I know what they’d say. Like, did you really know your parents? Why didn’t you take the time to know your parents?? I know it’s something that I’ll have to grapple with probably all of my life.
I do give myself grace, because I simply didn’t understand the gravity of capturing their words and experiences. I did the best I could with the information that I had at the time. If I had known better, I would’ve done better.
